Hack
by midnightwriter1898
Summary: What happens when Drake meets his future? Story better than summary. Please R & R.
1. Prologue

**Chapter One**

**Disclaimer: _Don't own Drake & Josh, duh! I only own them in my dreams... (sigh) lol_**

* * *

Josh Nichols walked into the room he shared with his step brother, Drake Parker, and had to duck to avoid being hit with a potato.

"What in the world are you doing?" Josh yelped.

"Playing with my potato launcher!" Drake responded, shooting another potato at Josh.

"Must you shoot them my way?"

"It's more fun that way. Anyway, see you!" Drake said, grabbing his jacket and putting his potato launcher down.

"Wait, where are you going?"

"To see a movie with my date." Drake said it as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Oh, okay. When will you be back?" Josh asked.

"I don't know." Drake hit Josh with a pillow before he left the room.

* * *

"How did your date go?" Josh asked Drake. He'd just come home.

"The usual. I dumped her." Drake replied, throwing his jacket on the floor.

"I know you're Mr. Willy Wonka right now, but what about when you're old?"

"What do you mean?" Drake snorted.

"If you keep treating girls the way you do, what do you think will happen to you?"

"I don't know, and don't care! Anyway I'm gonna go watch Drew & Jerry." Drake said, leaving.

On his way to the couch, he stopped and grabbed a bag of cheese balls. Satisfied, he sat down and turned on the TV, stuffing cheese balls into his mouth.

After about an hour, he began to feel tired.

"I'll just take a little nap here." He said to himself, leaning his head back and falling asleep, not even bothering to turn the TV off.

* * *

**_Okay, it might be a couple of days till I update... but that's all! I'm gonna be busy. Anyway, PLZ (PLEASE) review!_**


	2. I'm WHAT?

**Chapter Two**

When he woke up, he as still sitting on the couch with a bag of cheese balls. Drew & Jerry was still playing, but he ignored it.

"I'm gonna get a drink." He said, going to get up.

"Oww!" He suddenly yelped. A pain shot through his back.

"What's wrong, Hack?" A boy who looked just like him came out.

"Who… who are you?"

"Dad… are you okay?" The boy asked, looking confused.

"Dad! What's going on here! **_Megan_**!" He yelled.

"Whoa, what happened to you, Hack?"

"Hack?"

"Yeah. Did you forget you're 50 today? So I'm gonna call you Hack, which stands for half a century!" The teenager laughed.

"Huh? **_Megan_**!" Drake shouted again.

Suddenly a woman came out of the kitchen.

"Hello, gorgeous." Drake smiled.

"Oh shut up, Drake. I'm only here to get my pay check." The woman said, stepping closer. "Now hand it over so I can be going."

"Huh? What paycheck?"  
"Oh don't play stupid. The one you give me every week."

"What? How much do I have to give you?"

"Three hundred dollars." The woman replied.

Drake yelped. "Okay, really funny. Now get out of here. **_Josh_**! There's a psycho lady in here demanding three hundred dollars! **_Megan_**!"

"Just give me the money, Drake. If you don't hand it over right now, I'm taking you back to court."

"Okay, okay, fine! Who are you, anyway?"

"Drake, have you completely lost your mind? I'm your 3rd ex-wife!"

"What? I couldn't have been married once, let alone three times! I'm only seventeen!"

"Okay, number one you're not seventeen, your fifty, and you've been married 8 times, not just three."

Drake's eyes looked like they were going to pop out of his head. "Megan you know this isn't funny!" He yelled.

"What isn't funny?" Megan walked downstairs. Drake knew he should have been glad to see her, but he wasn't. He was in total shock as she stopped beside him.

She was at least one inch taller than him, and she didn't have that evil look in her eyes anymore. She had to be at least forty.

"What… what happened?"

"What do you mean? I knew I should never have come to visit you. You're crazy. I was happy enough over in Europe."

"Huh? Megan, you live here with me and Josh, and Mom and Dad!" He said quickly.

"Are you sick or something? I moved away twenty years ago! And Josh has his own home now."

"What? Where does he live?"

"With Mindy and Allison in Los Angeles."

"Whoa! Josh married Mindy?"

"Duh." Megan gave Drake a confused look.

"HUH? And who's Allison?"

"Their ten-year-old daughter…" Megan smiled awkwardly at Drake. Drake's eyes widened and he looked at her in shock.

"I didn't even know Josh and Mindy were married… let alone have a daughter!" He gasped.

Megan stared at him. "They were married 25 years ago… I mean, what world were you living in?"

"The one where I'm seventeen!"

"Come on Drake, it's been 33 years since you were seventeen. You must have had a dream."

"No I didn't! Just ten minutes ago, I was sitting on my couch, eating cheese balls while watching Drew & Jerry and I fell asleep, and then all the sudden here I was… what happened?"

"Vanessa, call a doctor." Megan spoke to Drake's 3rd wife, who turned and walked back into the kitchen.

"Aunt Megan, why's Dad acting all weird? It's not because he's a hack, is it? I mean, he is fifty, you think he could be loosing his memory? He's been alive way longer than I expected him to live…"

"Hey!" Drake gasped, "What's your name anyway, kid?"

"First off, I'm seventeen, and I'm your son. My name is Jared. Oh, and see you later, Hack! I've got to go to the concert. Can't let my band down. Bye!" With that Jared walked out.

"Band?" Drake asked Megan.

"Yeah. Jared's had it for at least two years now. He's like a mini-you."

"A mini-me?" Drake questioned.

"Yep. He's just as sloppy as you, loves to play guitar, tries to impress every girl he meets, is popular, etcetera."

"Hey! I'm not sloppy!"

"Oh, really? Let's go observe your room." Megan said, leading Drake upstairs. As he walked into his room, he stopped in shock. His bedroom was painted orange, there were posters of him (when he was younger, of course) covering every wall, clothes were thrown everywhere, and his bed was messy and unmade.

"What happened to my room?" He shouted. "Where did all the green color and Josh's stuff go?"

"Like I told you, Josh is living with Mindy and Allison in LA, and remember you wanted your room painted orange like, ten years ago?"

"I know, I love orange, but Megan, it's not nice to paint someone's room while their sleeping, you know."

Megan looked shocked. "Drake, would I do that?" She asked.

"Yes! Remember when you shot Josh and I with those paintballs? And the time you glued our pillows to our heads? Or the time you handcuffed us together and threw us in your closet? Oh, yeah, and the time when…"

"Drake! That was, like, 34 years ago!"

"Yeah right." He said, turning towards the mirror. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! What happened to my hair! You didn't put hair remover in my shampoo again, did you? And look at my face! Where did I get all the wrinkles?"

"Drake, you need to sit down. Are you feeling alright?" Megan asked.

"I don't know, what year is it?"

"Okay, Drake, lay down. You're definitely not alright. I'll go get the door. The doctor must be here now." She said, running downstairs.

* * *

"Well, Drake, you seem in pretty good condition – for your age."

"To look fifty when you're only seventeen is not good condition!" Drake replied.

"Drake, I've known you for many years, and one thing I know is you're not seventeen even though you still act like it." Bob (the doctor) responded. "I would suggest going to see the psychiatrist tomorrow. I'm going to call her in the morning so she'll know you're coming."

"Psychiatrist! I don't need a psychiatrist! Something happened to me! I just don't understand."

"Well that's what you need to discuss with her."

"Fine! Thanks."

'Here's my bill."

"Five hundred dollars! For a house call!"

"Hey! I gave you the discount since I live across the street!"

"Can I pay you tomorrow?"

"Yeah. It's not like I don't know where you live." Bob said, leaving.


	3. What have I turned into?

**Chapter Three**

Megan! I need to see Josh!"

"I don't know. It's hard to get a hold of him every since he's been made CEO of Harpo Productions."

"WHAT? When did that happen?"

"He's been CEO at least five years now, but he's worked for Harpo Productions for the last twenty years. I'll do what I can but I can't guarantee he can get back with you today."

"Tell him it's an emergency!"

"Let me call Mindy and see what she can do."

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"Drake, I got a hold of Mindy. She and Allison are going to ride up. They'll be here in a couple of hours. She got a hold of Josh, and when he's finished with his meeting, he's going to fly here on his helicopter, but it might not be until tonight, because he's got some very important business to take care of today." Megan said.

"Helicopter!" Drake yelped.

"Drake! I told you his position! He's doing very well! You should see his mansion! And he's got the coolest car. I don't know exactly kind of Mercedes it is, but I know he paid almost $200,000 for it! And wait till you see Mindy's!"

"Well… where's my car?"

"It's downstairs in the driveway, like always." She said, and before she even finished Drake was heading downstairs.

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Drake stood staring at the Oldsmobile in the driveway.

"A mini-van! You've got to be kidding!"

"Hey, you got a good deal on it!" Megan replied from behind him.

"Oh my goodness what have I turned into?"

"Drake, you really need to get to work. I know your not feeling well, mentally at least, but you really can't get fired from another job. With all the money you have to pay to your ex-wives, you need to get there now!"

"But I don't even know where I work!"

"The Premiere, idiot. You've been working there for ten months now! And this is the longest you've held a job in a long time, so don't screw it up now!"

"The Premiere is still open after all these years?"

"Yes. But now it's a discount theater. You can see a movie now for only $6.00! Of course I think I'd rather pay regular price because the place is a dump! Oh, I'm sorry, Drake, did I say that out loud?"

"What's happened to me?"

"Whatever it is, Drake, **_get to work_**. Mom and Dad can barely walk, let alone support you for the rest of your pathetic life."

"Where are my keys?"

"Good grief! I'll go get them!" She shook her head, walking back inside.

Returning, she handed Drake a set of keys.

"No! These can't be mine! AARP?"

"Well don't you remember Jared gave it to you yesterday, since you just turned 50. That way you can get your discount when you go to eat at Denny's. He knows how much you like the Grand-slam breakfast."

"I'm gonna kill that kid when he gets home."

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"Man that place really was a dump!" Drake stated as he walked back inside the house. "I wonder how I can handle working there!"

"Josh! Drake's home!" Mindy yelled. Josh came out of the kitchen and walked up to Drake and gave him a big hug.

"Drake! Mindy said something's wrong. You're not feeling well? I got here as soon as I could! What's going on?"

"Well, for one thing, I'm 33 years older than I was yesterday!"

"I don't understand, Drake. What do you mean?"

"I mean, I closed my eyes when I was seventeen, and when I woke up I was fifty with eight ex-wives and a son who calls me Hack!"

"Well, you are half a century old…" Josh stated. Drake picked up a pillow and whacked Josh on the side of the head.

"Well, I don't know about the seventeen thing, but I remember warning you about all eight wives."

"Well tell me about yourself. What did I miss? I don't remember anything!"

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**_I am soooooo sorry I haven't updated in, like, forever! I have been so busy lately and I thought i had posted the 3rd chapter, but when I checked I realized I hadn't! Sorry again! Anyway please (please) review!_**


	4. A heated argument

**Chapter Four**

**Disclaimer: DO NOT OWN DRAKE & JOSH!**

"I'd suggest you go see a psychiatrist, Drake. They could help you out more than I could." Josh stated.

"Yeah, you're right. The doctor gave me a piece of paper with one's name on it. He suggested I go to her." Drake said, pulling the paper from his pocket.

He glanced at it.

"What? **_Mindy Nichols_**? Nooooooo!" He suddenly yelled.

"Aww, come on Drake, I'm not that bad!" Mindy teased.

"Compared to a monster, no!"

"Drake…" Mindy sigh. "Yeah, you need to see a psychiatrist… soon. You sure act like your seventeen! Even though I think your crazy – oops, sorry Drake – and I don't believe your story, you are just as psycho as Jared!"

"Jared is like, my twin! Thanks for insulting me!"

"It's true! And, Jared looks like you when you were seventeen."

"I am seventeen! I'm just… in the body of some old guy, who's bald and has lots of wrinkles!"

"Mindy! Drake!" Josh cut in, breaking up what would've become a major fight.

"She started it!" Drake exclaimed, pointing at Mindy.

"I did not!" Mindy gasped. "Drake, when are you going to grow up?"

Drake was about to reply "Never" when suddenly a yell came from upstairs.

"Hack! Mindy, Allison destroyed my new guitar!" Jared shouted. Drake and Mindy ran upstairs fast.

"Allison!"

"Jared!" Both Drake and Mindy yelled.

Suddenly Drake remembered he didn't know which room Jared's was. He slowed down and let Mindy take the lead. She rushed into Megan's old room."

"Allison! Why did you do that?" Mindy asked, picking up the girl.

"I didn't mean to, Mommy." Allison sobbed.

"Yes she did! She plugged my guitar into the amplifier, the one that needed to be fixed." Jared yelled. Allison cried harder.

"Jared, be quiet. Look, you hurt Allison's feelings!" Drake said.

"So? She ruined my guitar, and I've got to play at the Belleview concert tonight!"

"Belleview's still open?" Drake asked. Jared looked at him in confusion.

"Duh! Except now it's… kind of a dump. Like the Premiere. Only it's not a movie theater, it's an old people's home. That's probably where I'll put you when you're older. I mean, I can't afford a nice one, so…"

"Hey! I'm not that old! I'm only a teenager… in an old guy's body, that is." Drake defended himself.

"Oh come on Drake, just face it! You're not seventeen anymore! Well, mentally, maybe, but physically no." Mindy said.

"Hey!" Drake gasped.

"Whatever." Mindy rolled her eyes and then turned her attention back to Allison.

"Honey, why did you plug Jared's guitar into the broken amplifier?"

"I didn't know it was going to blow up the guitar," Allison cried, "Jared said that it was a 'special' guitar that only worked when it was plugged in, and I wanted to hear it, and… and…" She trailed off.

"Jared, apologize to Allison!"

"Why should I?" Jared shot back.

"Because she didn't mean to blow up your guitar! I forgave Josh, even though he's a spaz, annoying, boobish, and…"

"Drake, how _dare _you talk that way about my husband!" Mindy shouted. All her annoyance towards Drake was starting to take over her actions.

"Talk what way about me?" Josh asked. He'd come upstairs, followed by Megan.

"Uhh…" Drake mumbled.

"Tell him, Drake. Admit it instead of lying, like you usually do!" Mindy paused. "And you want to know what's wrong with you, Drake? Well, I'm going to tell you. You need to grow up! Then maybe I'll be able to handle being around you! Josh, we're going!" Mindy glared at Drake fiercely as she took Josh by the arm and dragged him downstairs.

"Mindy, wait – what happened?" Drake heard Josh ask.

"I'll tell you later. Just come on!" He heard Mindy respond.

"Mindy, Mindy, calm down and explain before we leave!" Josh stopped.

"Fine. You want to know? Well I'll tell you! Drake is getting on my nerves and if I don't go now – _now_ – I'm gonna end up strangling him!" Mindy could barely control herself.

"Did I do something, Mommy? Why are you mad? Is it me?" Allison asked, her eyes wide as she stared up at her mother. Mindy took a deep breath.

"No, no, honey, you didn't do anything. _You _did." Mindy said, seeing Drake standing at the bottom of the stairs and pointing at him.

"I know… I'm sorry." Drake apologized. Mindy stood shocked. Had _Drake_ just apologized to her? Maybe there _was_ something wrong with him…

"Huh?" Mindy, who was usually smart and could come up with a good comeback, had no idea what to say.

"I'm sorry. I know I'm acting like a kid. Which I am, by the way. At least I have a reason."

"Oh really? Come on Drake, who do you think you're kidding? Because even a blind person wouldn't think you were still young!"

"Yeah! Dad's an old fart!" Jared's voice came from behind Drake.

Drake just glared at Jared.

"What? It's true. I mean, come on, a little old lady could drive faster than you! You go, like, twenty miles an hour on the highway!"

"Mindy, Drake, you both need to relax. Let's go sit down in the living room. Jared, go back to your room and learn some respect. Allison, go into your Uncle's room and watch cartoons." Everyone relented and did as Josh said.


	5. I must've been cursed

**Chapter Five**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Drake & Josh (Sorry normally I'd think of something funny for a disclaimer, but my brain is dead so you're just going to get serious!)**

"So Drake, when did you start feeling bad?" Josh asked.

"Uhh, duh, when I woke up in a fifty year old body, when just yesterday I was seventeen!" Drake said sarcastically.

"Okay I can see where your son gets his charm."

"Mindy…" Josh cautioned.

"Drake, tell us what's on your mind right now." Mindy said.

"Well, for one thing I feel like my life has turned out to be a disappointment. How is it that, at my age, I'm still living at home with a stinky job, a crappy car, a disrespectful kid, I mean, I was gonna be a success! Instead, I'm a success at divorcing, and that's about it, that I can see!"

"And how does that make you feel?" Mindy asked.

"Like a failure. I feel like I've been cursed! I mean, how else could this have happened?"

"So you mean somebody else is to blame for this?"

"Well, I don't mean that, but I would have never chosen this life. Look at me, I'm _bald_! And not by choice, I might add."

"Do you feel our choices affect our outcome?" Mindy questioned.

"I guess."

"So, did you choose to get married eight times?"

"Well, yes, but…"

"Did you choose to get fired from your jobs?"

"Well of course not!"

"No? but did you choose to come in late to work or not show up?"

"Well, that's not fair!"

"Yes it is, because by your choices you inevitably knew the outcome. If you don't go to work, you don't have a job. If you don't have a job, you don't have money for food. And if you don't have food, you're hungry. It's all a pyramid we control. We must understand that our life is determined by our choices, not those around us. Look at Josh, for instance. He's become a success. Not because of luck, but because of determination and respect for others, something you need too learn. And because of respect for himself. Really, how much respect do you have for yourself by getting married eight times? How much respect do you have for your son? Let's say you were seventeen yesterday. Where the choices you were making at that age leading you to this life?"

"I don't know. But it's something I'd better think about. I'm really tired now. This being fifty is wearing me out. I'm going to go up to my room to rest for a little bit. I'll be down in a little while. I hope you guys are still here. And thanks, Mindy. I needed to hear what you said."

Drake went up to his room.

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Drake sat down next to Allison. She started telling him about all the things she liked to do. Then, like a typical ten year old, she stopped talking in mid-sentence, hopped up, and stated she was in need of junk. But not before giving him a hug.

_Man, she is a good kid, _Drake thought, _Mindy and Josh really have done a good job. How did I end up here? Really, what did Josh do differently? Maybe Mindy's right. I wasn't making choices to help me succeed. I was just having fun. But sometimes you must grow up, and make choices to get you on the path to a happy future. If I could do it again, or from this point on. I'm not going to take people for granted. If I had the chance again, I would focus on getting to know the right girl, not all of them. I'm going to be more serious with my work. Life can be fun, but it doesn't mean everything has to be funny. I'll really try to do my best to remember that. _

Allison hopped back into the room with a bag of cheese balls.

"Hey, Uncle Drake, let's watch that old show you like to watch all the time. It's so goofy it's funny."

"Yeah that would be fun." Drake turned on the TV and began playing an episode of Drew & Jerry. After about twenty minutes, he nodded off.


	6. Wake up!

**Chapter Six**

**A/N: Finally! The LAST chapter! **

**Disclaimer: Don't, don't, don't, don't, & don't own Drake & Josh**

Drake blinked. How long had he been asleep for?

"Hey, Allison," Drake began, then stopped. Allison wasn't sitting next to him anymore, but the TV was still playing and he was still hanging onto the cheese balls he'd been eating. Oh well, she'd probably gone to apologize to Jared.

"Allison!" He yelled, getting up. Miraculously, the pain in his back was gone.

_My back must just feel better after resting. I know I do. Unlike before, I feel pretty good for a fifty year old!_ Drake though, stretching.

"Allison!" He shouted again. Once again, no one replied.

"Okay, this is getting creepy… Maybe Mindy and Josh left." He sighed. He'd been hoping they would stay, at least for dinner. Maybe Josh got a call from Oprah saying he needed to come down to Harpo Productions. Maybe Allison was tired and, since it took so long to get back to LA, they'd left.

"Josh, Mindy, are you guys still here? Allison?" Drake yelled once again.

"Huh? Of course I'm here, Drake. I do _live _here, you know." Josh's voice came from behind him.

"Oh good, your still here Josh. I wanted to thank you for making me feel better. Where's Mindy? I want to thank her too. You guys are great. And Allison's so cute. You guys really have done a great job raising her. I only wish Jared had turned out as well." Drake sigh, turning to face Josh.

"Drake… what are you talking about? Who's Allison? And who's Jared?" Josh asked, confused. Drake's eyes widened. Why did Josh look so… _young_? Well, his eyes were getting old.

"Allison, who's, duh, your daughter… have _you _lost your memory now?"

"No! Drake, should I call a doctor? Why don't you lie down?" Josh looked at Drake nervously. "Are you feeling okay?"

"Pretty good for my age! That nap helped out a lot."

"Huh? Drake, I'm going to call Mom and Dad…" Josh backed away slowly, keeping his eyes on Drake, as if he expected him to go crazy at any moment.

"What's wrong?" Drake asked, following Josh into the kitchen.

"You tell me!" Josh said. Suddenly the kitchen door opened and Megan walked through.

"Whatcha' doing, boobs?" She asked. Drake reeled back in shock. She was _definitely _not taller than him. In fact, she was, like, five and a half inches _shorter _than him! And she was back to her evil little self…

"Megan! What happened to you? Did you get shrunk by one of your own evil devices?"

"What evil devices, Drake. Are you okay?"

"I really don't know."

"What do you guys mean? And Megan, is Jared still up in his room?"

"Who's Jared?"

"My son, who else?" Drake rolled his eyes. Megan and Josh were getting on his nerves.

"Call the doctor, Josh!" Megan's eyes widened and she rushed to Josh's side.

"What?" Drake asked innocently.

"You're acting all… freakish." Megan said.

"I'm not… hey, wait a minute." Something had suddenly popped into Drake's mind. "How old am I?"

"I'm calling the doctor." Josh shook his head. His brother was acting _crazy_!

"Seventeen, duh." Megan sighed. He was being so Drake-ish to forget his own age.

"Are you sure? I'm not fifty?"

"Oh wow. I knew you were stupid, but I didn't think you were _this_ bad. Of course you're not fifty! You're a stupid seventeen year old, but mainly stupid. What a boob!" Megan rolled her eyes.

"I'm seventeen! Yay!" Drake shouted, jumping up and down.

"Josh, has Drake gone crazy?" Megan asked her step-brother.

"I don't really know." Josh said.

"I haven't! I'm just happy to be seventeen again!"  
"Drake, you have always, well at least for this year, been seventeen."

"No, but I was fifty for a few days… wait a second. If I wasn't fifty, and I was always seventeen, then that means…" Drake's eyes lit up. "Yay! I was never fifty! It must have just been a dream! Well, a really creepy dream."

"So you had a dream and you thought it was real? That's why your acting all weird?"

"Well if you were fifty, and then woke up to find out you were only seventeen, don't you think you would be acting crazy too?" Drake asked.

"That hasn't happened to me yet so I wouldn't know. But I guess I would."

"Phew. I'm just so glad that wasn't real. My life would have been such a disappointment. I mean, I'd been married eight times, I had a son who was just plain _rude_, you were married to Mindy and had a daughter named Allison, Mindy was a physiatrist, you worked for Harpo Productions and owned the coolest car, and you lived in a mansion in LA, I worked at the Premiere, had a Oldsmobile with AARP keys, lived here with Mom and Dad, Megan lived over in Europe and was visiting me –"

"See? I told you I'd be over in Europe laughing my head off when you guys were gagging on your own saliva. It came true!" Megan laughed evilly.

"Megan, don't interrupt." Josh corrected.

"No, it's okay. Yeah. You told me I was crazy a few times… and then called Mindy to have her take care of me."

"I did? Cool. Although I wished I would have flushed you down the toilet in that dream… that would be way cooler and I'd be free from you forever!"

"Ha ha, very funny. But the scary thing was that you were at_ least_ an inch taller than me… but you didn't try to hurt me so it wasn't as bad. You had given up your prankster ways." Megan laughed.

"As if that would ever happen." She said.

"Anyway, Mindy gave me a lot to think about, and then I went up to my room, which was painted orange, by the way, and sat with Allison. We watched Drew & Jerry for a little while, and then when I woke up I was here again!" Drake finished.

"Well that dream isn't too far from what's really going to happen in your future, anyway." Megan pointed out.

"I'm gonna make sure that doesn't happen." Drake replied. Megan raised her eyebrows.

"Yeah. We'll see, boob. We'll see."

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**_Well? Was it good? Please tell me when you review... hint hint._**


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